I've been there and tried all the apps ... and nothing felt just right!

A few short months ago, I was in your shoes. My parents said it was time for me to get married but the arranged marriage process as it is done today didn’t seem a perfect fit for me.

My parents had a cryptic but flawless description of me; I'm golden in their eyes. By cryptic, I mean “She works at a multinational company” (but I’m a lot more exciting than that!) and by flawless, I mean “She’ll be your perfect daughter-in-law; and she cooks & sings!” (again, a little far from what’s important in an ideal life partner).  But, you and I know we aren’t perfect. We have personalities and hobbies that don’t always ‘fit’ everyone’s style.

Quickly I realized what I was looking for in my partner and what my parents were looking for was not exactly overlapping but complementary. While I wanted an equal relationship, a husband who didn’t believe in gendered roles and someone who had similar interests outside of work, my parents focussed on finding compatible families and good natured children on paper. If you take a step back and think about it, neither of those were really negotiable, an ideal partner could fit both our requirements!

Modern day dating didn’t work for me for several reasons.

One, I was looking for someone from a similar cultural background and upbringing from a sea of choices on dating apps; many of these apps were focussed on photos and captivating captions as the first filter. 

Two, over time, it was pretty clear to me what I was looking for; I had some negotiables and some deal breakers. But I would need to talk to a stranger for quite some time before I can bring up serious topics on a dating app.

Traditional matrimony matches didn’t work for a whole different pool of reasons.

Parents often ask “Why not this boy / girl?” and many of the reasons we provide don’t seem reason enough for them. For eg: attraction, personality mismatch etc are not really valid reasons to reject a prospective match and they can always be worked out.

Additionally, when parents seek out matches, they don’t feel comfortable allowing the girl / boy to connect for an extended period of time. There is a constant rush to provide updates or move forward with both sets of parents eager to settle at something concrete.

I wondered for a long time if this was a “me” problem. But over many months and discussions with 1000+ people who went through this process, I came to realize that we share some concerns.

Surely there is a way to do this better!